In my life I have been striven to have the very best of intentions, have a good heart, don't hold hate in my heart, be excepting and have tolerances even when those around me don't do the same.. I have looked the other way when others have done me wrong. I have loved those that clearly don't know how to love back. I have given 1,000% even when I had nothing left to give. I go beyond what should be expected of me as both a wife, mother friend and basic human being.
Now I don't do those these things so I will get a gold star, have people pat me on my head and say Oh what a good person she is. I do these things because its my job as a wife to support my husband even when he does something that I told him was a bad idea and then try very hard to NOT say I told you so. Have his back at all times of the day and night.
Its my job as a mom to go without what ever my needs may be sleep, food, shoes ( which just for the record I have only ONE pair of shoes) or that impulse soda at the checkout line. Give my last dollar so that someone can go on a field trip, drink coffee with no sugar because we had to have Kool-aid. So why then is it that I can for the life of me get anyone of the 8 EIGHT yeah that right EIGHT kids to do anything I ask them too? I have one that lives on her own that pays her own bills, runs her own house and really does not need me any longer except as a sounding board and to just check in and see how I am doing. I have another who blames everyone but her self for her life being in ruins and says NO ONE loves her and its all our fault she is jobless, loosing her child to her ex spouse and just a mess. A son who only comes over when he wants something or needs his dad to do something for him. A son who just started to work after NOT working for over 2 yrs but still has time for video games but no time to give his dog a bath or to feed her or cleanup any messes she makes.
Then there's the daughter that hurts the most the one who lives less than 20 minutes away and NEVER calls, never comes over not because she does not want too ( or it may be that) but because her girlfriend does not like us !! WTF is that she does not like us.? Is it because we are against the gays.? NO very much not against them in any way. Is it because we include her in each and every family dinner we plan to have that they cant make because they have to go and do something with her family. Its a wild hair up her ass that she thinks she is better than us.
More on this later. Because a lass it is time for the nightly fight of homework, dinner and baths.. THIS FOLKS IS WHY I DRINK.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, April 18, 2011
What is the first letter of a five letter word meaning "fake" or "not genuine"?
OK so if it is so damn therapeutic to write shit down. Then why in the hell do I not feel better yet ? I have been jotting crap down for the better part of 45 yrs now. I know I know what your thinking " Not on here you're not" well trust me when I tell you I have been.
I was never really outgoing. I was always the fat kid always the one picked last. I could never climb that proverbial rope in gym class. I never could do a cartwheel.But I fought all that and lost weight got in shape and looked good. BUT I always wanted to be a actor or a medical examiner. When other kids wanted to be moms , nurses, teachers. I wanted to cut open dead bodies and see what made people tick so to speak. You can blame Quincy MD for that one. For those of you who dont know who that is Google it. But I wanted to be noticed too. I wanted people to know who I was when I walked into a room. I wanted boys to love me and girls to want to be like me. I guess we all want that to some point in our lives.I dated guys just to say I had a boyfriend. I believed every lie they all ever told me. I gave my self to men only to hope they felt something for me but nothing. Which In turn only mad me feel worse about my self.
I want to shout to the world that life is not fair, life sucks and I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I used to be good looking. Smart or so I thought. I but thats all faded now. I am 300 lbs over weight, my hair is falling out, I have got adult acne now. I retain water so much that my ankles are now k ankles.I am broke, I have no college degree, don't own my own home or never owned a brand new car.
How can someone that has so many people in her life feel so alone ? I would never tell this to my family whom I love so much. But I wish I was dead everyday. Everyday I wake up I cry a little because I am still here. I have don't NOTHING WITH MY LIFE. Sure I had kids but they either don't need me, don't want me, don't respect me (which I Guess is of my own doing) Because I was so controlling of them all they got old enough and left which is what they are supposed to do.
Do I feel this way because of my child hood or am I just plan fucking crazy ? I tried to kill myself once in high school but I could not even do that right. Ended up in the hospital in a comma for 3 days thats it. Of course the rumors went around " Cyndi tried to kill herself because she is pregnant with someone elses baby." Which was a lie I just did not want to deal with the worlds bullshit anymore. I had been dealt a shitty hand and I could not cash in. I was just what my family always said I would be NOTHING.
I guess I always have been a kind of FAKE person. I never really liked or cared about all the people in high school that I said where my friends. I just wanted to be LIKED and I wanted to be noticed Kind of. I did not care of the pot heads that I said where my friends got busted for smoking on school grounds. Although I I told them I did. I did not care if the rich girls daddy got her a brand new car every other month I told her I did. I did not care if the jocks got in trouble for what ever shit they pulled. I told them I did and I sure as hell did not care what my teachers thought if me. I knew they all knew I was a foster kid. I had no real parents no family ties to that school no one really loved me. I was a pay check to them all.
I dont care about life at all I pretend daily. I get excited when my husband shows me a truck we can never buy or a house we will NEVER OWN. Or a vacation we will NEVER be able to take. but I dont care. So I guess the first letter of a five letter word meaning fake is C the rest is yndi.
I was never really outgoing. I was always the fat kid always the one picked last. I could never climb that proverbial rope in gym class. I never could do a cartwheel.But I fought all that and lost weight got in shape and looked good. BUT I always wanted to be a actor or a medical examiner. When other kids wanted to be moms , nurses, teachers. I wanted to cut open dead bodies and see what made people tick so to speak. You can blame Quincy MD for that one. For those of you who dont know who that is Google it. But I wanted to be noticed too. I wanted people to know who I was when I walked into a room. I wanted boys to love me and girls to want to be like me. I guess we all want that to some point in our lives.I dated guys just to say I had a boyfriend. I believed every lie they all ever told me. I gave my self to men only to hope they felt something for me but nothing. Which In turn only mad me feel worse about my self.
I want to shout to the world that life is not fair, life sucks and I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I used to be good looking. Smart or so I thought. I but thats all faded now. I am 300 lbs over weight, my hair is falling out, I have got adult acne now. I retain water so much that my ankles are now k ankles.I am broke, I have no college degree, don't own my own home or never owned a brand new car.
How can someone that has so many people in her life feel so alone ? I would never tell this to my family whom I love so much. But I wish I was dead everyday. Everyday I wake up I cry a little because I am still here. I have don't NOTHING WITH MY LIFE. Sure I had kids but they either don't need me, don't want me, don't respect me (which I Guess is of my own doing) Because I was so controlling of them all they got old enough and left which is what they are supposed to do.
Do I feel this way because of my child hood or am I just plan fucking crazy ? I tried to kill myself once in high school but I could not even do that right. Ended up in the hospital in a comma for 3 days thats it. Of course the rumors went around " Cyndi tried to kill herself because she is pregnant with someone elses baby." Which was a lie I just did not want to deal with the worlds bullshit anymore. I had been dealt a shitty hand and I could not cash in. I was just what my family always said I would be NOTHING.
I guess I always have been a kind of FAKE person. I never really liked or cared about all the people in high school that I said where my friends. I just wanted to be LIKED and I wanted to be noticed Kind of. I did not care of the pot heads that I said where my friends got busted for smoking on school grounds. Although I I told them I did. I did not care if the rich girls daddy got her a brand new car every other month I told her I did. I did not care if the jocks got in trouble for what ever shit they pulled. I told them I did and I sure as hell did not care what my teachers thought if me. I knew they all knew I was a foster kid. I had no real parents no family ties to that school no one really loved me. I was a pay check to them all.
I dont care about life at all I pretend daily. I get excited when my husband shows me a truck we can never buy or a house we will NEVER OWN. Or a vacation we will NEVER be able to take. but I dont care. So I guess the first letter of a five letter word meaning fake is C the rest is yndi.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Juice Box time
OK OK I get it shit happens, kids get sick, husband gets sick, kids get sick, pregnant ladies get sick, kids get sick again, bills have to be paid, kids get sick, everyone gets head lice, kids get sick, money runs short, kids get sick, grey hairs comes no matter how much you fight it, kids get sick, food runs low with 5 days still pay day,IRS likes to play head games and try to ruin my vacation plans, kids get sick, your fat and get wined just waking up and did I mention KIDS GET SICK ?!?!?!? I &*($&*(@_&$@!_$& GET IT ENOUGH ALREADY.
Jimmy Buffet has nothing on me. It's not just 5 o Freaking clock some where its 5 o clock all the damn time. They say things come in threes, deaths, loves, good and bad. OK so I have had my fair share of bad I would like some sets of good luck threes. Things around here dont just come in threes. Its pretty much is like the way my 6 yr old daughter says her ABC she does great until she gets to v then w,x,y,and z can bite a big one because they never get said.
I take on kids to ER because NO ONE around here can get sick on a weekday between 8 am and 6pm when the doctor is in his office. She has an ear infection ( of course its the kid who it takes an act of congress to get to take meds) Then the pregnant ladies slips and falls in the kitchen while having a water fight. Starts to cramp ( scary so we go to the hospital ( which is NOT the local one it has to be the one her insurance says she has to go.) you know the one where there are gun shot victims bleeding to death while waiting for triage. and spend 6 hours there. next day school calls the kid who has the shortest hair in the damn house has HEAD LICE. SO I not only have to come and get him but I have to go the the other school and get the other two because if one has it they all do. ONLY to get them all home and find A BIG FAT NOTHING !!! NO LICE in any ones hair, not nits nothing. so we treated them all anyway, boys got head shaved and the adults where all running around yelling " check me check me next like someone had just released an anthrax bomb in the house. Next to have the 5 yr old fall asleep and wake up with a 103 fever and a rash covering his body again after the doc had gone home so back to the ER only for them to tell me its nothing and go home. After three days of his fever not going down I take him to his doctor and he tells me he has of all freaking things MONO in 5 yr old.
Get disconnection notices for bills due 4 days before payday. IRS is holding my tax return hostage until the get some bull shit paper work I filed LAST YEAR with my tax lady that I am guess she either ate, used as tp or just plan lost. SO now I have to deal with CPS and try to get another copy to which they say " Well tell me transfer you to so in so. Who tells me transfer you to another so in so. I talked to 6 different people in a span of 4 days only to be told " OH I know what you need but it will take me 2 to 3 weeks to get it to you because I have to do all my other work first then work on these request. Mean while I have a family vacation planned that I am going to loose my reservations on if I dont pay for it.
Now my husband is sick up all night and no sleeping.
and dont even get me started on this season of A I.
See what I mean.... Mommy juice box time........tomorrow its weight loss blogging time and my struggle to kick obesity ass once and for all
Jimmy Buffet has nothing on me. It's not just 5 o Freaking clock some where its 5 o clock all the damn time. They say things come in threes, deaths, loves, good and bad. OK so I have had my fair share of bad I would like some sets of good luck threes. Things around here dont just come in threes. Its pretty much is like the way my 6 yr old daughter says her ABC she does great until she gets to v then w,x,y,and z can bite a big one because they never get said.
I take on kids to ER because NO ONE around here can get sick on a weekday between 8 am and 6pm when the doctor is in his office. She has an ear infection ( of course its the kid who it takes an act of congress to get to take meds) Then the pregnant ladies slips and falls in the kitchen while having a water fight. Starts to cramp ( scary so we go to the hospital ( which is NOT the local one it has to be the one her insurance says she has to go.) you know the one where there are gun shot victims bleeding to death while waiting for triage. and spend 6 hours there. next day school calls the kid who has the shortest hair in the damn house has HEAD LICE. SO I not only have to come and get him but I have to go the the other school and get the other two because if one has it they all do. ONLY to get them all home and find A BIG FAT NOTHING !!! NO LICE in any ones hair, not nits nothing. so we treated them all anyway, boys got head shaved and the adults where all running around yelling " check me check me next like someone had just released an anthrax bomb in the house. Next to have the 5 yr old fall asleep and wake up with a 103 fever and a rash covering his body again after the doc had gone home so back to the ER only for them to tell me its nothing and go home. After three days of his fever not going down I take him to his doctor and he tells me he has of all freaking things MONO in 5 yr old.
Get disconnection notices for bills due 4 days before payday. IRS is holding my tax return hostage until the get some bull shit paper work I filed LAST YEAR with my tax lady that I am guess she either ate, used as tp or just plan lost. SO now I have to deal with CPS and try to get another copy to which they say " Well tell me transfer you to so in so. Who tells me transfer you to another so in so. I talked to 6 different people in a span of 4 days only to be told " OH I know what you need but it will take me 2 to 3 weeks to get it to you because I have to do all my other work first then work on these request. Mean while I have a family vacation planned that I am going to loose my reservations on if I dont pay for it.
Now my husband is sick up all night and no sleeping.
and dont even get me started on this season of A I.
See what I mean.... Mommy juice box time........tomorrow its weight loss blogging time and my struggle to kick obesity ass once and for all
Sunday, February 27, 2011
It amazes me that someone can drive an 60,000 dollar car, have gold around around their neck and yet still get food stamps, gov aid.
I had an experience a while ago and I am not ashamed to admit that I had to go get on food stamps. I will do what I have to do to feed my kids.
Anyway I was shopping with my 5 yr old and he wanted some kind of sugary fruity thing and I told him since he was being so good I would get it for him. A lady behind me saw me put it on the belt to check out and pull out my food card to pay and as I was getting him ready to walk back out side she said " could you use MY money to buy more healthier stuff for your kid please?"
Well one thing that I learned from my lovely daughter Codie is to speak my mind. Something my husband is still getting used to. I waited for this lady out side ( AMAZING she parked one car over from me). Put my kid in the car and said to her " excuse me do you get a joy out of kicking people when they are down?
Do you know me?
DO you know what I have had to deal with this past year or in my life?
DO you know I am almost 45 yr old and have been working since I was 14.SO really just spent MY money honey.
I have been unemployed for two yrs. I have college under my belt and yrs of work in customer service and management and I got turned down for a damn job at F***kin Mcdonalds because they knew I would not work for 2 dollars an hour. My husband just lost his job of over 10 years and I have got 3 kids at home all special needs. That we adopted last yr. I suggest you shut the hell up and mind your own business." She went to talk to me with a look of I can not believe you had the balls to talk to me like that look. I just put up my hand and told her to save her breath. got in my car and drove away.
I saw her the other day it has been a few months since and I think I made an impressing on her because she smiled at me and said " how are things going ?" I just smiled and got out my food card and paid for my food and walked away.
Sometimes being a bitch it well worth it.. Thanks Codie for teaching Me to stand up for myself.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Did you ever wonder ?
I have often wondered what makes certain people tick. Is there such a thing as good and or bad ? Is is possible that with everyone made the same way ( with the exceptions of those of us who are born from a test tube) but non the less made the same. Are some of us more prone to being a good person and some o us prone to be evil ? After 44 plus yrs of living I must I have come to the realization that the answer is without a doubt YES !!!.
While some of us go on day to day making a living or doing our best to keep our heads above the sinking ship of life. Doing good when good can be done. Living and loving with out warrant and without cause and seeing what it can get us out of life. Just do good because its the right thing to do. giving until it hurts. Whether it be giving our last few cents to that "homeless" person not sure what they will use it for, giving a dollar to the bell ringer, or just reaching out to someone in need. Helping that family who you know will NEVER ask for help.
And there are those of us who are out for one thing. THEM SELVES. Not caring who they hurt on their way to the top. Not taking into consideration whos feelings that are stepped on. Their own families,stranger. I have seen people walk, drive by a homeless person and yell get a job. I have seen people look at a old person walking across the street with a walker or can or just being older and being slow and get pissy because they are taking to long, rush to pass me only to turn a half a block away. Hurt someone just to cause hurt. From Rape of any person, the murder of a child (or anyone) beating of a women. A women taking a mans kids away just because she is mad at him for something. Killing or causing a helpless animal pain. Use their power in life to see what else they can get out of someone.
Someone can cause so much pain and walk free, get a slap on the wrist and just live like nothing is going on or they did nothing wrong.
While some of us go on day to day making a living or doing our best to keep our heads above the sinking ship of life. Doing good when good can be done. Living and loving with out warrant and without cause and seeing what it can get us out of life. Just do good because its the right thing to do. giving until it hurts. Whether it be giving our last few cents to that "homeless" person not sure what they will use it for, giving a dollar to the bell ringer, or just reaching out to someone in need. Helping that family who you know will NEVER ask for help.
And there are those of us who are out for one thing. THEM SELVES. Not caring who they hurt on their way to the top. Not taking into consideration whos feelings that are stepped on. Their own families,stranger. I have seen people walk, drive by a homeless person and yell get a job. I have seen people look at a old person walking across the street with a walker or can or just being older and being slow and get pissy because they are taking to long, rush to pass me only to turn a half a block away. Hurt someone just to cause hurt. From Rape of any person, the murder of a child (or anyone) beating of a women. A women taking a mans kids away just because she is mad at him for something. Killing or causing a helpless animal pain. Use their power in life to see what else they can get out of someone.
Someone can cause so much pain and walk free, get a slap on the wrist and just live like nothing is going on or they did nothing wrong.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I love my country but......
I just want to go on the record right here and now that I love this country.
However, ( big comma) I want to reach out and strangle each and everyone involved in the attorney Generals office. We know Walter owes back child support from when he was not working. SO what do the MENSA candidates at the AG office do ? THEY take away his drivers license. OH, did I forget to mention he has been a Over the road truck DRIVER for over the last 10 + years. WTF are the thinking?? Now, they say the only way he can get it back is to pay 2,500 dollars before they will even entertain the idea of it.Or we could HIRE an attorney of our own. HMMMMM don't those cost MONEY !!! I have been out of work for over two yrs, he got fired from his last job because..... wait for it...................... THEY TOOK AWAY HIS DRIVERS LICENCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He tried to even work at Mc Donalds and they laughed at him.
I do not understand this. I am confused at this, I fully do not know what to do with my hands right now. I know what I would like to find the real Tony Soprano and see if we can work out a deal.
See folks this is why I drank..
However, ( big comma) I want to reach out and strangle each and everyone involved in the attorney Generals office. We know Walter owes back child support from when he was not working. SO what do the MENSA candidates at the AG office do ? THEY take away his drivers license. OH, did I forget to mention he has been a Over the road truck DRIVER for over the last 10 + years. WTF are the thinking?? Now, they say the only way he can get it back is to pay 2,500 dollars before they will even entertain the idea of it.Or we could HIRE an attorney of our own. HMMMMM don't those cost MONEY !!! I have been out of work for over two yrs, he got fired from his last job because..... wait for it...................... THEY TOOK AWAY HIS DRIVERS LICENCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He tried to even work at Mc Donalds and they laughed at him.
I do not understand this. I am confused at this, I fully do not know what to do with my hands right now. I know what I would like to find the real Tony Soprano and see if we can work out a deal.
See folks this is why I drank..
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