OK so if it is so damn therapeutic to write shit down. Then why in the hell do I not feel better yet ? I have been jotting crap down for the better part of 45 yrs now. I know I know what your thinking " Not on here you're not" well trust me when I tell you I have been.
I was never really outgoing. I was always the fat kid always the one picked last. I could never climb that proverbial rope in gym class. I never could do a cartwheel.But I fought all that and lost weight got in shape and looked good. BUT I always wanted to be a actor or a medical examiner. When other kids wanted to be moms , nurses, teachers. I wanted to cut open dead bodies and see what made people tick so to speak. You can blame Quincy MD for that one. For those of you who dont know who that is Google it. But I wanted to be noticed too. I wanted people to know who I was when I walked into a room. I wanted boys to love me and girls to want to be like me. I guess we all want that to some point in our lives.I dated guys just to say I had a boyfriend. I believed every lie they all ever told me. I gave my self to men only to hope they felt something for me but nothing. Which In turn only mad me feel worse about my self.
I want to shout to the world that life is not fair, life sucks and I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I used to be good looking. Smart or so I thought. I but thats all faded now. I am 300 lbs over weight, my hair is falling out, I have got adult acne now. I retain water so much that my ankles are now k ankles.I am broke, I have no college degree, don't own my own home or never owned a brand new car.
How can someone that has so many people in her life feel so alone ? I would never tell this to my family whom I love so much. But I wish I was dead everyday. Everyday I wake up I cry a little because I am still here. I have don't NOTHING WITH MY LIFE. Sure I had kids but they either don't need me, don't want me, don't respect me (which I Guess is of my own doing) Because I was so controlling of them all they got old enough and left which is what they are supposed to do.
Do I feel this way because of my child hood or am I just plan fucking crazy ? I tried to kill myself once in high school but I could not even do that right. Ended up in the hospital in a comma for 3 days thats it. Of course the rumors went around " Cyndi tried to kill herself because she is pregnant with someone elses baby." Which was a lie I just did not want to deal with the worlds bullshit anymore. I had been dealt a shitty hand and I could not cash in. I was just what my family always said I would be NOTHING.
I guess I always have been a kind of FAKE person. I never really liked or cared about all the people in high school that I said where my friends. I just wanted to be LIKED and I wanted to be noticed Kind of. I did not care of the pot heads that I said where my friends got busted for smoking on school grounds. Although I I told them I did. I did not care if the rich girls daddy got her a brand new car every other month I told her I did. I did not care if the jocks got in trouble for what ever shit they pulled. I told them I did and I sure as hell did not care what my teachers thought if me. I knew they all knew I was a foster kid. I had no real parents no family ties to that school no one really loved me. I was a pay check to them all.
I dont care about life at all I pretend daily. I get excited when my husband shows me a truck we can never buy or a house we will NEVER OWN. Or a vacation we will NEVER be able to take. but I dont care. So I guess the first letter of a five letter word meaning fake is C the rest is yndi.
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